I wanted to be the youngest author to ever publish a novel in Malaysia. Yeah, as cheezy as that sounds, that was me. I could remember the first time I started writing , I wrote my name millions of times everywhere. I started composing my own stories when I was six, on typical brown exercise books which were bought from my brother's school. On every alternate page, I would draw a picture of how the story looked like at that moment. Whenever I showed them to my parents,they would tell me they look pretty,and I was pretty convinced they were so. But,honestly speaking,looking at them right now, they look quite terrible - Girls with huge heads, inhumanly long necks & precariously placed objects on top of tables which would have failed to even hold up in real life.

But, I didn't care. I love English, and I love fiction stories as much as I love cookies; In fact, I found writing stories relaxing that I could use it as a tool to help me fall asleep at night. When I was eight, I had let my grandfather read a chapter of my story I had written, as his birthday present.

I took lots of classes on English. I improved, I guess. Well, I felt like I did. Except, that, when I reached 12,I had a lot of negative feedback on my essays. And somehow everything just stopped. I stopped writing. I stopped liking English,because what all the teachers were expecting from me were factual essays with seriousness and not a hint of humor or imagination in sight.

Me forgetting the happiness I found in writing stories happened so gradual, that I didn't even notice any change. But,somehow,in the beginning of December,it suddenly loomed over me that I should start writing again.

I used to have a truckload of ideas on stories,and I got discouraged when I couldn't think of a single one,when I opened Microsoft Word to start a brand new chapter, to a brand new story.

But it's going to be Chinese New Year, and when I was 7-11, that would be the time period where I would write the most all in one day.

What I would do was to write them out on Microsoft Word and print them out at the end of the day. Then read it at night, elaborate on the story a little bit more, grow tired, and fall asleep.

That was how it was. Some people have told me, once you had let go of your passion in doing something, you won't ever find the joy in doing the thing anymore. I don't know who to believe.

But,I guess,I'm going to try all over again? It shouldn't hurt to try. Yes, this Chinese New Year. Chapter 1.

It's been about four months since I've been going to this new school, and somehow I just feel like my English has been slightly deteriorating. I have been trying my best to adapt to the new British language instead of the American way. Also, I've been purposely adding 'lah's, 'ah's and 'lo's to whatever I say, so that the people there could understand me better. /: *if any one of you is reading this, I do not mean any offence.

Hopefully when I come back for the next semester I would be able to cope :Y I'm really not used to this new style of language.

Anyway, moving to the next topic, which is actually the main intention of me creating this post, I want to say that I'm aware you guys have noticed my sudden change of behavior. But I suppose you guys should be able to get used to this, cause I'm going through alot of ups and downs. Really sorry. I can't decipher my emotions sometimes, you know? There would be times when I would hate almost everything surrounding me. There would be times when fear would overcome me. There would be times when I would continuously condemn myself. There's so many. And you can't blame me for that, because if I was given a choice, I would pick to be happy all the time.

I could try to be happy, but at times it's just too difficult.

I'm pretty sure you guys have been called worthless or at least been insulted before, am I right? I have. I have, for years, when I was younger. And I could remember all of the insults. All of the 'you're useless' etc. Up 'till this day, it still haunts me. As a child, I was gullible, so I believed it all. As a result, it prevented me to believe anyone when they tell me I'm pretty or smart (That should be able to answer all your questions by now).

I would pray to God, asking him why he allowed it all to happen. And you know what? This year, I realized why..

This year, I finally saw the benefits coming out of all the insults thrown at me. These insults affected me badly. But if it didn't, then why I would I try to figure out the reasons why those people said those things?

If we were able to go back to that time, I would answer with one simple sentence: "Because it's true; Because I'm useless." But there's more than that, that I didn't know.

So they said this. And that. Over, and over again. Said I was too shy to have any friends. However, if it wasn't for them to say that, I wouldn't have made an effort to know more people. And look, I have so many great friends now.

Said I was useless. Effect? I experimented with different things, and picked writing as my hobby. I wrote until my hands were numb, and by now, writing a 700-word essay wouldn't be as difficult if I didn't practice.

Here's what I'm trying to say: With those negative comments people say about you, turn it into something positive. Go and prove them wrong. Don't just believe it and go to your bedroom, cry and complain to the Lord.

I've been there, done that.

Learn from people's weaknesses. I don't know about you, but I enjoy listening to stories based on someone's life. I always learn something from it.

I'm so sick of condemning myself all these years. So sick of all those insults running through my mind every time. I want to start all over again.

Oh yeah, to those who are currently insulting other people, think twice (: You might be making making their lives better in the future, instead of ruining them. Reflect on your personality too , at the same time. You're not perfect either.

I know I look I'm counselling you. And I know you probably died reading halfway through this post =x But I just felt I needed to say all of this. Sorry, it's so unorganized. Am extremely tired right now, due to the lack of sleep last night. Slept less than five hours, I think. Too many things were on my mind.

So. That's about it. :) My bed is calling for me. I don't wanna go to school again tomorrow, looking like a half-dead zombie who can barely talk. 'NIGHTS!

~10p.m

Reason why? I don't know. I hate this week. I hate this year. I hate my stupid scoliosis. Screw it for life. I hate being this ugly useless person. I hate knowing that I've let down so many people.

I'm so sick of this. I feel like I could just stay home for the rest of my life and die. I don't see anything worth it in me. I'm such a failure in every freaking area.

In my weight. In my studies. I can't do anythingg. I don't even think I have a talent.

It just seems like I'm here, stranded with all my insecurities and wondering why did I even have to exist.

And yes, I'm aware that this is the worst composed post ever. Bye.

You wouldn't even remember my name, after all the new friends you've made. You wouldn't remember the times I was there for you or shared your grief. I know you have already pushed me far out of your thoughts, dreams and your life.

You've moved on, I can understand. Our friendship probably doesn't exist anymore. But, I just wish to know you had appreciated my existence & my time I gave up for you.

I'm not writing this to anyone in particular, but to those who I used to spend time with a lot but don't anymore.

I still remember you. :}

The moments in life when you've finally gotten what you've always wanted but they still don't satisfy you.

When you remember those memories in the past and wish you could rewind time, but you can't.

And you remember the things you wished you hadn't done but you know you just gotta move on and it kills you a little inside.

I should have known I was wrong all along. Destination isn't all that important. Every year is like a precious chance given to us to correct ourselves after the wrongdoings we've done. It's evolution.

I know we've made mistakes in life, but without them we wouldn't be who we are today.

So, I guess my week has been depressing and somehow enjoyable.

I have recently realized that:

I HAVE NEVER DRANK ANYTHING AT STARBUCKS.

I NEED TO EAT AT WENDY'S (BECAUSE I'VE NEVER EATEN THERE) BEFORE I START SCHOOL SO THE PEOPLE WON'T THINK I'M WEIRD.

I HAVE NEVER EATEN AT DUNKIN' DONUTS.

Oh yeahh, I'm like so freaking incredibly awesome outdated. :/

---

I've been honestly stressed these few days. I've been assigned to do one, ONE essay and I'm starting to freak out already. UNBELIEEVABLE.

I have to say it's all the school holidays' fault, actually. It has swiped out all of my motivation. I really need to get hold of myself.

Anyway, I've been thinking quite a lot lately. I've realized a number of things, and I've listed some of them above. One of the things I haven't mentioned is, I've realized that all this while, we've been demanding way too much things. And yet, we can never seem to see the amount of blessed things we posses heaped on top us. It's like they're invisibly hidden to us once we posses them.

About a few weeks ago, my mom told me about how life was when she was my age. The number of hours she studied, and what her wishlist was. What really amazed me was what she desired. Books. That was it. That was the only physical object she wanted.

But what about now? Reminiscing from a few wishlists I've read from my friends, I noticed all of them had some sort of electronic involved. I'm not saying that's wrong or whatever, I myself, want quite a few electronics too. But the difference! The difference of what people wanted last time and NOW.

It's terrifying.

Another thing I've realized is how problems can affect us. We're so lost in trying to fix them that we tend to think life really is insignificant and pointless to live. My problems aren't as big as what adults are handling, but they're enough to blow my mind up. I know "WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR?!" or "Omgg, how am I supposed to finish this amount of homework?!" or "Arghh, I burned myself trying to cook that thing again! I GIVE UP" can match off what is stressing an adult's mind. For me, I'm always trying to accomplish things just to feel satisfaction. But then I've noticed that I can never, ever accomplish everything. No matter what mind-blowing thing I can manage to accomplish, is able satisfy myself for long. And so, I feel that it's time I should simply be glad and satisfied at every little thing I can do/have accomplished. It may not impress people as much as how other people can, but it's what I am capable of and that's really enough.

Also, I can see that we never seem to think of the present. It's always about the past or the future. We've always been wanting to feel the assurance that everything will be alright (thinking of the future). And if you hadn't, you'd be angry at yourself (past).

But what about the present?

Isn't it important as well?

Well, that's all. (: I think I've talked enough. Lol.

lynn x

Sometimes, I wonder why God doesn't let me know what his plan is for me, or even the reasons why I'm ME and not someone else.

And yet, there's no answer. It's all extremely confusing.

I think it's time I should try to be more optimistic. To stop blaming myself for the things I'm not good at. (:

lynn x

P.S: New favorite word! :D rhododendron. HAHAAHHA. The amount of 'd's LOL.

P.P.S: I just updated the 'the author' tab a few days ago. [: You can go read my new updated bio. Ehehh

So here I am, sitting on my pale yellow swivel chair inhaling aerosol/Shieldtox Attack. That is what happens when a baby spider invades an overly foolish timid girl's room *points at myself* who transform into a chicken at every tiny thing that moves with six/eight legs. Bleugrh.

Anyhoo, I'm downright annoyed because I have no idea which school or tuition I'm going to this year! Everything's a huge mess and extremely confusing. My mom's paid the fees for FLC's side-classes which are starting in February but it can't be confirmed yet because of the shortage of teachers currently. And meanwhile, my mom's considering sending me to Ara Damansara's homeschooling center along with Joanna. It has already started, which irritates me alot since their orientation day is over and everybody there knows each other already.

Furthermore, there's no backup plan if FLC's classes aren't able to start. =.= I feel so left out. Like the whole world is learning and improving themselves and I'm at home debating with nobody else but my brain.

My old science class is starting on Friday.. I HAVE NO IDEA IF I'M GOING OR NOT. D:

Cross fingers, I hope my mom makes the right decision. And whatever it would be, I want some sort of school to be involved with it. I'm plain sick of studying at home. It's been six years and I'm longing to get a taste of REAL school again. *Sigh..

Everything is so blurry. It's like standing in a midst of fog, while everybody else is clear of their future. Why are decisions so difficult to be made?

P.S: apologies for any grammatical errors in this post. I'm too irritated to correct them.

heey :D

IT'S FRIDAY THE 13TH :O

*gasp*

But it doesn't matter - to me that is.

I just hope I don't fall or whatever at badminton later T.T

hahah.

I seriously don't get why 13 is an unlucky number. Not like I believe in lucky or unlucky numbers- I don't. But I thought thirteen signifies maturity because you'll officially be a teenager?

Bahh. I won't get an answer to that -.- I'll just conclude that humans in general are weired creatures (exceptionally, me because I'm an inquisitive human ;)

hahaha.

Anyway,

My cousin is probably coming over to my house tonight !! *jumps up and down*

Meet

(left) ANNIEBUN (: ♥

Wee. I can't wait :D I'll be going swimming with her at OneWorld Hotel first thing after class tomorrow ;)

*dances*

'Till then ;) I'll try to get someone to take pictures of us swimming etc tomorrow ;D

lynn x

P.S - I forgot to tell you that my pledge of writing anti-anyway posts is officially OVER. I can't live without using 'anyway' D;

P.P.S - listen to Katy Perry-Teenage Dream. pure awesomeness :D ♥

P.P.P.S - Go to MISC to listen my type of music ;)

They burglarized my "empty" Golden Boronia Nougat bar. HOW DARE THEY.

Well, anyway, I was about to throw the wrappers in the bin but I was running late to go to 1U..

But it still didn't mean that they could come and TRESPASS my desk, roaming in colonies. arghh.

talk about lawlessness.

Anyway, I'm NOT going to continue ranting about what the ants did.

We'll talk about what happened in 1U :D

So firstly, my mom had to pick my brother up from class before going to 1 U and I returned a book I borrowed.

We browsed through a couple of novels at Popular once we reached 1 Utama. Then we left to a restaurant called 'Charms' for tea. The place was pretty unique. I didn't sit on any regular stool or chair, I sat on a SWING :D anyway, I had banana split which was delicious. I would've gobbled it all up in a few minutes but I was too engrossed with a Seventeen magazine they had which I missed out. So I couldn't finish it on time as my mother and brother so I had to stuff the ice-cream up in my mouth and I had a brain freeze -.-

uhh, anyway. I went to MPH later(: I had to walk past Cotton on. I was really tempted to shop but I wanted to read books. I've been much of a nerd lately :P Hahahah

anyway, here's some pictures:

MPH(:

Well, that's pretty much what happened today!

Will keep you guys posted soon (:

lynn x

Ten days of guilt, guilt, guilt. Loads to say here, but my mind has been drifting into another thought that it seemed difficult to translate my story into words.

But I know it's been TEN days since I've neglected this poor blog.

And I've got big news!

I've managed to hit the top 20s list in an art competition! Pinch me somebody. I still have the feeling that I'm dreaming. Never have I ONCE thought that I could be in the top 20s list in the first art competition I have ever participated. I'm not the positive type. I always think I'm still not good enough. And to think I could just make it in that list was phenomenal.

I've started playing zwinky again. Hmm, not much to say. grr, it's gonna take awhile to cut off our relationship =.-

~Twlynnz

'Coz that's the day when I'm officially a teenager. And I dread that day! I'm not one bit ready to say goodbye to my childhood.

I mean. The EVENTS. The PARTIES. PLAYGROUNDS!

COLORING CONTESTS!!!

They only allow children until 12 years of age!

Its NOT fair!!

-TWL