was posted at 11:28 PM with 0 comments
I miss you so much.
Ma, I'm sorry it took me more than a year to write about you. I'm sorry it took me more than a year to go through old photos.
I miss doing everything with you. I miss lying in bed next to you, talking about everything that could range from the cutest boy in class to future house plans. You were the only one I trusted and you were the only one that knew me best.
You were always careful with your words and you sacrificed so much for us. You gave up outings with friends just to spend time with us, and you refused to order food when we went out to restaurants, only to eat the bits that we didn't fancy just to save some money.
March 25th 2012, I had to see you lying in your own pool of blood, unconscious, but having tears roll down as I screamed my last words that you could not register. It was nine days that you had to lie in the hospital bed, and it was nine days of me hoping and praying you would open your eyes and reply me. On the seventh day, I asked the doctors if things would be okay. And i remember how they told me you wouldn't live, and I remembered how i shut down and felt that that was the end of life.
Once your funeral was over, I remember counting down every single day. It gave me comfort that it was one day closer to seeing you. I know that you're safe and happy in heaven, and I know this because you used to tell me how much joy it brought you when you thought about it.
Mom, words cannot express how lonely I've been since you're gone. I cannot be more sorry that your last months were spent having to put up with my rude and thoughtless behaviour.
Mom, you know that I have an ability to remember very little things that happened since I was able to think and talk. You know whenever we talk about our memories and how I would pitch in very small details that only myself could remember. I've now come to realize the reason why God made it that way.
Mom, I know I've only had less than 14 years with you and it saddens me that I only have a few recent photos with you. Sometimes I get scared to think that in years to come, I wouldn't be able to remember your voice, or I would forget cherished memories. But I know this won't happen because you'll always mean so much to me, and you'll always be in my heart. And I'll always stop to think about the times we had, even if it was just a word you said. I can remember, and I always will.
Even though you're not around anymore, you've already set an example that I'll constantly try to follow. You were such a selfless and understanding person, and will always be the most patient person I'll ever know. You were so humble and loving. You were so kind and so God-fearing.
It gives me pain to think that you might have seen the monsters I used to have in me. I wanted to tell you what I was going through, but I didn't. I took it out the wrong way, and to you sometimes. But mum, I'm better now, and I wish you could see that.
The emptiness is still there, but I know it will lessen through God's help and strength. I'll always wonder how it would have been if you were still around, and I'll always have thoughts of us. I'll continue to work hard in areas I know you would want me to. I remember grades weren't that important to you, but how happy you were when I brought back my results. Now that you're not here, I bring these results back to your mom, and I promise to make her proud just like how you were of me.
I love you so much mom, and I await to see you again.