I just want to slip away into my dreams, into another world, another life. But reality has caused this insomnia. I have so much suppressed feelings that I'm afraid of sharing them out. Because everybody judges.
Everybody wouldn't understand.
I fear one day I'll just collapse and everything will come pouring out.
There's no safe place i can call my solitude. and u seeing me cry is weakness in your eyes.
I'm so tired of life. tired of being compared. tired of your words coming back. tired of people leaving me. tired of trying to let go of the mistakes i've made.
tired of feeling so unwanted, unimportant. Physically unattractive, ability wise completely nonexistent. tired of hearing those untrue rumors about me that i cannot do anything to stop.
tired of the physical and emotional pain.
this is the life i cannot accept.
Today, I woke up feeling great,and told myself today would be tear-free and spent with absolute happiness and contentment.
But you just had to fucking ruin it all, you just had to fucking throw out all the critism and leave me there just trying to numb my feelings but i dont have the energy to ignore my feelings anymore
i dont even see a reason left to live when all i see is just sadness everywhere and everything going wrong and tearing apart.
everywhere i go im just so unaccepted and i'm really really tired of seing those judgemental eyes stare right into mine.
its hard to cling on things you made up by yourself just so that youd feel a little bit more optimistic in life.
and trying so hard just to get away from reality and all the routine
Now forever afraid of loving. forever having my food intake limited. Forever afriad of trusting someone .
I have sheltered my heart in a place you can't touch.
Hello, you guysss.
It's 10:51p.m , on a school night , and I'm purposely composing a post at this time despite the fact that I am forced to run, jump, and probably everything in about eleven hours. Don't get my drift? I have P.E first thing tomorrow morning, with my other cool friends who sometimes tend to leave me behind when we jog to the basketball court.
Anyway, I went back to my hometown for the CNY , and ate wayy too much. Based on my usually accurate predictions, I believe I've gained another two kgs. So yes, I've reached the stage where I'm worthy to be called beyond obese.
Besides that, I'm still in the holiday mood. Which sucks, because I only have less than a month to refresh all the rusty knowledge I learnt from last year. Home-works have been piling up once again, and deadlines are growing shorter.
But tonight, I just want to lie down on my bed, in utter blindness, without a single problem or insecurity crawling in.
Goodnight guys (:
P/S, a must watch video below:
Labels: Exercise, Friends, Holidays, Home-work, Music, Pictures, School, Sleep
Strolling along the narrow grassy land surrounded by trees, of whom are now my friends, barefooted..but altogether happy.
; I've never believed in being perfect,but in the verb 'perfecting'.
My first dream occupation was to become an author , and along the way , I decided to become an illustrator of my own as well . Yeah , go ahead , laugh . I was a little kid with huge dreams , and such big confidence and persistence , I could probably blow your mind away . When I set my mind to do something , I made sure I did it .
I wanted to be the youngest author to ever publish a novel in Malaysia. Yeah, as cheezy as that sounds, that was me. I could remember the first time I started writing , I wrote my name millions of times everywhere. I started composing my own stories when I was six, on typical brown exercise books which were bought from my brother's school. On every alternate page, I would draw a picture of how the story looked like at that moment. Whenever I showed them to my parents,they would tell me they look pretty,and I was pretty convinced they were so. But,honestly speaking,looking at them right now, they look quite terrible - Girls with huge heads, inhumanly long necks & precariously placed objects on top of tables which would have failed to even hold up in real life.
But, I didn't care. I love English, and I love fiction stories as much as I love cookies; In fact, I found writing stories relaxing that I could use it as a tool to help me fall asleep at night. When I was eight, I had let my grandfather read a chapter of my story I had written, as his birthday present.
I took lots of classes on English. I improved, I guess. Well, I felt like I did. Except, that, when I reached 12,I had a lot of negative feedback on my essays. And somehow everything just stopped. I stopped writing. I stopped liking English,because what all the teachers were expecting from me were factual essays with seriousness and not a hint of humor or imagination in sight.
Me forgetting the happiness I found in writing stories happened so gradual, that I didn't even notice any change. But,somehow,in the beginning of December,it suddenly loomed over me that I should start writing again.
I used to have a truckload of ideas on stories,and I got discouraged when I couldn't think of a single one,when I opened Microsoft Word to start a brand new chapter, to a brand new story.
But it's going to be Chinese New Year, and when I was 7-11, that would be the time period where I would write the most all in one day.
What I would do was to write them out on Microsoft Word and print them out at the end of the day. Then read it at night, elaborate on the story a little bit more, grow tired, and fall asleep.
That was how it was. Some people have told me, once you had let go of your passion in doing something, you won't ever find the joy in doing the thing anymore. I don't know who to believe.
But,I guess,I'm going to try all over again? It shouldn't hurt to try. Yes, this Chinese New Year. Chapter 1.
Labels: Feelings
How would life be , if it were a fairy tale ?
Oh,hello (: Chinese New Year is approaching, and the weather feels like it had just increased by ten times . It's been about three months since I've been pondering on what to wear for Chinese New Year , and, as much as I know how behind time I am in choosing an outfit, my flu is simply killing the mood . Yes, you heard me , I'm sick again. I really pray I'd manage to recover before Friday, because that's when I really need my taste buds back. Looking forward to all the food , ang paus , and my valid excuses to be fat during the festive season . Oh yeah , fun fun fun fun .
Currently hooked onto Emmy Rossum's music. Dream pop ftw . :}
I wish I could steal clothes off Tumblr.
Gina sitting next to me, begging for the organic raisins in my hand. I'm starting to conclude that the world could revolve around you if you have huge brown eyes, along with an innocent look .
Anyone wants to take me out to One Utama and buy me a notebook, so that I can fill it with my favorite quotes ? :D
Yeah , I have this habit of being vague when it come to blog posts.
Labels: Holidays
