was posted at 2:15 AM with 0 commentsIs it possible to lose someone all over again? What extent can we say "out of sight, out of mind", what draws the line between someone's presence in your life and in your heart?
My biggest fear is to lose my mother again. To lose her slowly in my memory, as I grow older, without realising it. What will keep my memory of her alive? I want to pen it all down, as much as I can. As much as my memory can bring me.
My mother was the most giving person I will ever know of. I can still remember when I was on the brink of entering teenage-hood, somewhere around the age of 12 years old, my mother tried to hold a serious conversation with me- "What would happen if I was no longer around?". A nightmare that would be realised before I would turn 14. Her words were clear, full, and so certain that as much as I tried to dismiss the horrible thought at that time, they have stuck with me. She told me two important things- Live. Go on with life. And the second was to donate her organs to those who needed it.
I can't explain it in words how difficult it was to carry this in my heart during the nine day period where she was lying unconscious on the hospital bed. I can't explain how frightful it was for a 13 year old to tirelessly handle the back and forth of disappointing and hopeful news, to decide if she should place her trust on relatives to have faith and hope or on the judgment from doctors that was raw and painful.
I wish that no girl would have experience having the first flower given to her to only be placed over her mother's coffin. I also wish that no girl would have to experience the most tormenting feeling when she realises she could not fulfil her mother's last wish because it was too late. It was too late to donate my mother's organs, because her heart had already stopped beating. I had waited too late to her deathbed because I was holding on to every string of hope possible thinking that was the only way I could prove my faith to God, thinking that she would still come home. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself.
I wish that no girl would have to write a eulogy of her mother when she still needed her to sleep at night.
The second eulogy that I had to write in my life was three weeks ago. The day before my final paper, I woke up to a phone call from my father that my grandfather had passed in the early hours.
I got a text message right after my law paper from my cousin saying that the wake service was in a few hours and whether I could send her my eulogy to be read out, and I remember having to walk home in the pouring rain, frantically trying to keep my thoughts together even though I was already so exhausted from the whole exam period.
An excerpt from my eulogy for my grandfather:
"My grandfather was an English teacher. When I learned that at 6 years old i thought that there was nothing more respectable than that. I had a big passion for writing when I was a child, and where I would spend my holidays at my grandparents' writing story after story, my grandfather had always been the most keen and enthusiastic reader, giving me immense encouragement and support.
Fast forward to today, I am a university student and I am struggling to find words that could describe how great my grandfather was. I don't think words can ever suffice, and for that I think that we can only hold on to the dearest memories of Ahkong.
My grandfather was not only an English teacher, but he had been the backbone of the Choong family and was an amazing example of a grandfather…."
I don't think I'll ever be able to understand God's timing at all. Why I was only a few days short from being able to attend my grandfather's funeral. Why I could never have a last say to two people I had loved so deeply.
What I only do know in my 19 short years is that even though grief has been an accustomed visitor in my heart, it hurts even harder to learn the loss of another loved one.
was posted at 1:36 AM with 0 commentsI wish I had more memories, more photos, more videos. I wish I could have a million voice notes from you, or if I could, I wish I could have just one last phone call with you. What was my last phone call with you, ma? Was I calling you to remind you that my breakfast cereals were running out, or was it to ask your whereabouts? How did I greet you on the phone? Was I always in a rush to end the call?
Mama. 4 years today, and still no one told me what to do with your number in my phone. No one told me what to do with your clothes, your favourite pillow, your favourite scarves. It drives me crazy not being able to walk into your room with the familiar baby powder scent, to watch you as you try to multitask your way on the gym ball with a book in your hand. I wish I had more time, more maturity to figure out the traits that I got from you.
How am I like you mama? What are the things that I do everyday that could be attributed to you? Did you write down your thoughts, did you hide your anger inside you, like me? How were you like in school? Did you crush on many guys? Did you entertain gossip, did you bother with trends? What irritated you, what broke your heart?
I miss you more than anything, and I wish your name wasn't such a taboo word now. I wish people could bring you up more easily, at the coffee table, at anywhere. I wish they could tell me what you were doing when you were 17. Were you as confused, scared, excited? What were your plans, or were you still trying to figure things out?
I wish. that I could be able to whatsapp you right now. Ask "mom, are you still awake?". Be able to find out what your display picture would be. Wonder how it would be watching you take your first selfie.
I think about you everyday, about not being able to help me pick my newborns' names, not being able to watch me graduate, watch me try to fight my way to get the job I want. It still breaks me.
was posted at 1:23 AM with 0 commentsI swear I can feel the fire within me dying. It takes so much more effort to be able to laugh, walk with confidence, and even leave the house to meet new people. This is not me.
This year has been the shittiest year followed after 2012, and it's not even ended yet. Im still so mad about that huge bomb dropped on me and all the events that followed subsequently. It's scary to know how much you can actually cry in two months; It's a fucking torment.
Uni life just started a few weeks ago. I'm sifting through U.S. universities and doing as much research as I can. In the meantime, I'm also trying to figure out my personal preferences in the different lifestyles in the U.S. states. Ann Arbor, Michigan is so far winning my heart. But honestly, deep down I feel like the distance is also playing a factor. I have been wanting to go as far away from home as possible in the last two years. Yet, I'm still a little scared. I don't know. I don't know what to expect, but I guess all I want is just a some peace for a while.
I miss my close circle of high school friends. I miss trying to catch cheerios in my mouth and wasting like 80% of them, I miss laughing over all the stupid things I did.. erreything. i even miss drawing my separating funnel and calling it a vagina (my drawings skills deserve some credit for once).
Who knew how quickly confidence could be stripped down despite all the gym classes you've clocked in or the grades you've gotten.
It's 1:31 A.M, and I regret drinking coffee.
was posted at 1:52 AM with 0 commentsThis is the first time I've felt strangely compelled to write out my thoughts at midnight. For some reason, there's just been so many things on my mind these days and I've been feeling very tightly wounded. Which is so odd because I have completely nothing to do.
Okay, that is quite a moot point. It is true to argue that I still have subjects to study, a couple of tasks here and there, and responsibilities that I am still held accountable for. But I still feel like I'm in a limbo. I'm still in school, but I don't even know if that statement is valid since I only have to attend once a week. This leaves me with 4 days without a schedule. I barely know any of my new classmates, and even though I'm close to a few, hanging out would be difficult since they're taking almost double the subjects that I'll be taking. Just to give a bit of a backdrop, I decided to split my IGCSE subjects last year because I was unsure of whether I could handle the whole bulk of 8 subjects in one sitting. Thus I have a remaining 3 subjects to do this coming May.
I'm not even sure why I'm complaining so much about where I currently stand. I'm more than satisfied with my results for my October sitting, but I cannot help but imagine how my life would be if I had just pushed myself with 8 subjects. I would most likely be in my 3rd month in college by now, and I would potentially be able to graduate with a bachelor's degree at the age of 20.
Instead, I will only be entering college in August, factoring in an additional year of studies.
One year. "One year" has been haunting me for weeks on end since the start of 2015. Now that I've written that out I feel slightly ludicrous and realize how freaking competitive I am. I'm ashamed to even say that I've read through a whole number of forums just to find out the ages of other people of when they're leaving school.
I've been moping around solely because of this. What's even more stupid is that I'm fully aware that graduating at 21 isn't considered late, and that despite knowing this, I'm still fidgeting and holding on onto all the "what ifs" and "could haves" and "mights" and the whole fantasy of "graduating a year earlier". I have no idea how I've glorified that sentence to this point.
With 147 more days to go before starting college, I've decided to just try and make the most out of it - even though I'd feel like it's nothing much since it won't t spell out much academic achievement. Here are the things I'd want to do before August:
- Finish IGCSEs
- Get a driving licence
- Read more books and try to improve on my writing
- Reorganise my room
- Step out of my comfort zone at the gym, and that means experimenting with gym equipment that I'm not so familiar with. (This is a challenge for me because I hate breaking routines)
- Travel more
- Educate myself better with hot debate topics, so that I can stop being on the fence about them.
- Do more product reviews
- Cook more (!!!) and try to make myself more domesticated lol
It's 1:49 a.m right now, and I have nothing else left to write. I think I've managed to empty most of my thoughts in this post. I will update this blog again soon, and hopefully I would have been able to make some progress with the above by then!
was posted at 8:30 PM with 0 comments
UPDATE 1st Feb: I actually ended up signing up at Celebrity Fitness! I had decided to use the time I was planning to spare working at a coffee shop at the gym instead. I'm not planning to take up a job in the near future unless I have a gap 6 months after college.
It's New Years Day!! It's crazy to think that we're back to square one all over, with the same "New Year, New Me" and "Page 1 of 365" flood of tweets and moments of reminiscence as we look back on the year. To commemorate the start of 2015, I thought I would write something that's on a more personal note - something that I've also neglected and not done in a while (a typical trait of an ESTJ hu hu)
My aims for 2015! (not listing them in order of importance)
1) Learn how to cook for real
You can hurl any household chore at me - be it cleaning my room, reorganising and storing away misplaced things, doing the dishes, but not cooking. I've never liked cooking, thus never felt a sense of eagerness on learning how to do it. When I'm home alone, even with a fridge jammed full of fresh vegetables and meat, you'd still find me at my table calling up McDonald's or Domino's for my meal. However, I've grown way too tired of having to burn off those extra carbs with additional zumba/blogilates sessions. Cooking has always been an asset - not only for health's sake, but gosh, my grandchildren would hate me for not having a signature or trademark dish that I could pass on to them. I have to step up my game; spaghetti and omelette should not be the only dishes I can serve on my family table in the future.
2) Get a job
Despite not having a gap half year, I feel like I am still prepared and able to take up a job. I have mapped out a bunch of options that I'm willing try, but I'm most keen on working at a coffee shop.
3) Read more
I'm not gonna lie, I've read no more than 10 books in total this year. Such a staggering figure, and I think it's only going to decline further when I enter college (I swear the number of books I read is inversely proportionate to the number of hours I spend studying). Since exams have ended and I've gotten at least half of my day back, I've been reading The Perfect Match by Jodi Picoult. It's a gut-wrenching story revolving around child sexual abuse and murder. Jodi Picoult is basically my favourite author; I can't love her enough for being so detail-oriented, and how she supports the story with underlying scientific facts as well as the feelings involved at every stage of the legal process is just beyond me.
4) Get fit
I'm still hesitating on signing up at Celebrity Fitness. I'm not sure if I can commit to a gym membership yet, but I know that if I don't, I'm not likely to turn up at the gym at my club either since they charge a non-member entrance fee of RM15 (a freaking price hike from rm11). In the meantime though, I'm just sticking to my blogilates and zumba 15-minute workouts at home.
5) Prioritise dance
I really need to move on from skeletal and sketchy, no-more-than-30-seconds choreographies that I never complete. I always get lazy and give up because I get bored of the song, which is such a lousy excuse. 2015 shall be the year where I will improve on this.
was posted at 8:52 PM with 0 commentsSingapore trip 20th-24th November 2014.
Hey guys! I was just going through the photos in my phone the other day and realised that I actually took quite a bunch of photos from my visit to Singapore with my aunt, uncle, and cousin. It's not a lot of photos, but it's a decent number to write a post about it, so here it is!
Something I really miss from Singapore would be the KOI Cafe. If you know me well, you'd know I love my milk tea a lot, so much so that I had at least two cups of Chatime per week when I was studying for my exams. I was introduced to the KOI Cafe by my cousin's fiancée, and we decided to grab a drink as we were heading home. I noticed that KOI Cafe had much fewer choices compared to Chatime, so it was really easy to decide on the drink (you know how overwhelming it can be looking at Chatime's menu) -- I chose their Hazelnut Milk Tea with aloe vera as my topping (as an alternative to my usual coconut jelly topping that they didn't offer). The drink rose higher than my expectations because it was so rich in flavour that it took me by surprise. I would recommend this shop to anyone who loves their boba as much as I do.
Marina Bay Sands
On the next day of our arrival, we headed to Marina Bay Sands.
Here, I bought this amazing candle from Bath and Body Works. The colour and scent sold me out and I knew I had to get it immediately. It makes my room smell like a candy shop when I burn it, which I can't complain, 'cause I love sweet scents.
Dhoby Ghaut mall
Couldn't help but do some skincare/make-up shopping 'cause that is my favourite kind of shopping. haha
note: please don't get the message that I wear falsies rofl. These were intended for a wedding dinner this January.
Orchard Road Selfies
One of my favourite discoveries was John Little. It was kind of like the Singapore version of Parkson, and it had a huge range of items. I was really happy to have unexpectedly found brands like Macadamia and I Love... Cosmetics that I've seen on Youtube before.
This smells incredibly good. I didn't realise that I was actually fond of coconut scents until this came along. To be honest, I would have thought it was cookie dough if there wasn't a label hahah
Etude House Singapore was really fascinating. It felt like I was back in Korea all over again because of its decoration.
On the last day, we headed to Suntec City.
|Christmas themed bath bombs and bubble bars!|
As for clothing, I bought two items. One of them is a hoodie in my favourite colour from Forever 21, and the other is a sheer cardigan from Factorie.
Besides shopping and eating, I've had the most fun spending time with my cousins. We did facials and manicure at home and binged on F.R.I.E.N.D.S before eventually falling asleep. Another highlight of this trip would be meeting Mr. Buttons!
|Mr. Buttons eyeing on Monica and Phoebe|