Hello blog.

Logging on this space felt so bizarre but strangely so familiar - when I realised I had logged an entry a year and a half ago, it all made sense.

I'm now approaching chapter 25, also known as the beginning of a quarter life crisis, or what I call the precipice of 'shit's about to get real'. 

As to life updates since my last entry, I have made yet another career switch. This time it's into the private industry (banking). It made perfect sense. This was where I had envisioned myself to be since I begun planning for my future. It's crazy how God opened this door and how fast everything fell into place so quickly.

I've visited home twice now. I've come to accept that saying goodbye to my dad will never get easier and I will forever be overwhelmed with fear that something might happen to him when I am not home with him. 

Clement and I have met each other's families now. I still find it incredible how easy everything was with his family/friends and him with meeting mine.

I've embarked on a very interesting 'social media' journey when I was on the tail-end of my COVID recovery last year. I've been sharing food content on restaurants/cafes in Melbourne and through this, I have raked up at least $3.5k worth of food in less than 4 months (and 6 months since creating the acc) and have met multiple new friends. 

I've lost some friends and made new ones. I've realised that age almost has no influence on how we are still human and have an innate desire to find a sense of belonging. I've recognised that this becomes even more difficult when people change and that you yourself change too. I'm learning to accept that this is just the way of life. 

Lessons I want to preserve as a reminder for my future self --

1. You are more resilient than you think you are

You've learnt to adapt in every kind of circumstance, and whether you know it or not, you are always able to figure out a way to cope. Be it dancing, studying, or cooking. You are somehow able to stir up some sort of hobby or interest to keep your brain occupied and to keep you moving forward. And more importantly, you know how to make full use of resources to help you through painful experiences. You knew how to reach out. To lecturers/tutors in uni. To friends and family in personal life. Even to a psychologist for a few counselling sessions. That was really brave. 

2. Trust the process more

It was a lot harder to see how things were going to pan out given how short my years were (and actually are! I will look back one day and think that 23 is still young). Though I will never discount how much I went through in my teens, I was still young and lacked the maturity and foresight anyone at that age would have. In college, I doubted the course I was doing. The course had lots of limitations to university choices and I received lots of flak from people for choosing a course that was setting me up for failure. It was fully out of chance and persuasion from a friend when I applied to my first choice uni in Melbourne and was the first person to ever get a successful acceptance and full credit transfer. It was safe to say no one saw it coming. Not even the head of the department believed I would get it. 

No one would have imagined that I would have been able to revive my PR and be able to make Melbourne my permanent home. No one would have imagined that I would end up working in public service.  

I will admit that some outcomes were received really positively (such as my uni acceptance and PR), but some not so. But I am slowly seeing the light with some of the other outcomes. I'm slowly starting to accept that this change of plans in my career is better for my mental health, especially in a pandemic. I've been able to nurture new hobbies and find joy in them. I'm still on the journey of knowing that everything happens for a reason even though all of my past experiences point to that truth. There's absolutely nothing I would change about my past decisions because every single one of them has led me to this point.

3.  Continue investing in friendships and relationships

I think my view on people has really grown over the years. I had a horrible (and I will admit, borderline toxic) take on relationships and I think I have always subconsciously known that it was shaped by the experience of losing someone. I saw people as temporary beings in a moment of time. And though I still do believe that people are placed at different times in your life to serve different purposes, I still want to commit and invest in those relationships. They are there for a reason, at least at this point of time, even if you never know if it's short-lived. 

4. You are ever-evolving 

Your interests, hobbies, reactions to situations will continue to change as you grow older. My interests in cooking and baking only bloomed at the start of the pandemic, and now I can't see myself going without home-cooked food for more than a few days. Your reactions to situations will also change. I think I would have lost my mind if I didn't have things neatly lined up in the way I wanted when I was a kid. I needed to have my shoelaces tied a certain way. I wouldn't touch a vegetable with a ten foot pole. Now at 23, I constantly challenge myself to try out new produce, new vegetables. I love all my most hated veggies as a kid now.

Your fears will change too. As a kid, I had terrible insomnia. I would thrash in my sleep, overthinking everything, obsessively counting down the number of hours of sleep. I don't really know what kept me up so much at night. It was always a battle with some sort of monster. I go to bed easy now, knowing that even if I have a rough night, I will still get through the next day. Probably through the help of coffee. But I now know I'm much stronger than I think I am.

it feels almost unreal reading my blog entries 4 years ago. 

Is it possible to lose someone all over again? What extent can we say "out of sight, out of mind", what draws the line between someone's presence in your life and in your heart?
My biggest fear is to lose my mother again. To lose her slowly in my memory, as I grow older, without realising it. What will keep my memory of her alive? I want to pen it all down, as much as I can. As much as my memory can bring me.

My mother was the most giving person I will ever know of. I can still remember when I was on the brink of entering teenage-hood, somewhere around the age of 12 years old, my mother tried to hold a serious conversation with me- "What would happen if I was no longer around?". A nightmare that would be realised before I would turn 14. Her words were clear, full, and so certain that as much as I tried to dismiss the horrible thought at that time, they have stuck with me. She told me two important things- Live. Go on with life. And the second was to donate her organs to those who needed it.

I can't explain it in words how difficult it was to carry this in my heart during the nine day period where she was lying unconscious on the hospital bed. I can't explain how frightful it was for a 13 year old to tirelessly handle the back and forth of disappointing and hopeful news, to decide if she should place her trust on relatives to have faith and hope or on the judgment from doctors that was raw and painful.

I wish that no girl would have experience having the first flower given to her to only be placed over her mother's coffin. I also wish that no girl would have to experience the most tormenting feeling when she realises she could not fulfil her mother's last wish because it was too late. It was too late to donate my mother's organs, because her heart had already stopped beating. I had waited too late to her deathbed because I was holding on to every string of hope possible thinking that was the only way I could prove my faith to God, thinking that she would still come home. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself.

I wish that no girl would have to write a eulogy of her mother when she still needed her to sleep at night.

The second eulogy that I had to write in my life was three weeks ago. The day before my final paper, I woke up to a phone call from my father that my grandfather had passed in the early hours.
I got a text message right after my law paper from my cousin saying that the wake service was in a few hours and whether I could send her my eulogy to be read out, and I remember having to walk home in the pouring rain, frantically trying to keep my thoughts together even though I was already so exhausted from the whole exam period.

An excerpt from my eulogy for my grandfather:



I don't think I'll ever be able to understand God's timing at all. Why I was only a few days short from being able to attend my grandfather's funeral. Why I could never have a last say to two people I had loved so deeply.
What I only do know in my 19 short years is that even though grief has been an accustomed visitor in my heart, it hurts even harder to learn the loss of another loved one.

I wish I had more memories, more photos, more videos. I wish I could have a million voice notes from you, or if I could, I wish I could have just one last phone call with you. What was my last phone call with you, ma? Was I calling you to remind you that my breakfast cereals were running out, or was it to ask your whereabouts? How did I greet you on the phone? Was I always in a rush to end the call?

Mama. 4 years today, and still no one told me what to do with your number in my phone. No one told me what to do with your clothes, your favourite pillow, your favourite scarves. It drives me crazy not being able to walk into your room with the familiar baby powder scent, to watch you as you try to multitask your way on the gym ball with a book in your hand. I wish I had more time, more maturity to figure out the traits that I got from you.

How am I like you mama? What are the things that I do everyday that could be attributed to you? Did you write down your thoughts, did you hide your anger inside you, like me? How were you like in school?  Did you crush on many guys? Did you entertain gossip, did you bother with trends? What irritated you, what broke your heart?

I miss you more than anything, and I wish your name wasn't such a taboo word now. I wish people could bring you up more easily, at the coffee table, at anywhere. I wish they could tell me what you were doing when you were 17. Were you as confused, scared, excited? What were your plans, or were you still trying to figure things out?

I wish. that I could be able to whatsapp you right now. Ask "mom, are you still awake?". Be able to find out what your display picture would be. Wonder how it would be watching you take your first selfie.

I think about you everyday, about not being able to help me pick my newborns' names, not being able to watch me graduate, watch me try to fight my way to get the job I want. It still breaks me.

I swear I can feel the fire within me dying. It takes so much more effort to be able to laugh, walk with confidence, and even leave the house to meet new people. This is not me.
This year has been the shittiest year followed after 2012, and it's not even ended yet. Im still so mad about that huge bomb dropped on me and all the events that followed subsequently. It's scary to know how much you can actually cry in two months; It's a fucking torment.

Uni life just started a few weeks ago. I'm sifting through U.S. universities and doing as much research as I can. In the meantime, I'm also trying to figure out my personal preferences in the different lifestyles in the U.S. states. Ann Arbor, Michigan is so far winning my heart. But honestly, deep down I feel like the distance is also playing a factor. I have been wanting to go as far away from home as possible in the last two years. Yet, I'm still a little scared. I don't know. I don't know what to expect, but I guess all I want is just a some peace for a while.

I miss my close circle of high school friends. I miss trying to catch cheerios in my mouth and wasting like 80% of them, I miss laughing over all the stupid things I did.. erreything. i even miss drawing my separating funnel and calling it a vagina (my drawings skills deserve some credit for once).
Who knew how quickly confidence could be stripped down despite all the gym classes you've clocked in or the grades you've gotten.

It's 1:31 A.M, and I regret drinking coffee.